"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." Ephesians 1:11-12
Glioblastoma multiforme, according to the all-knowing Wikipedia, is "the most common and most aggressive malignant primary brain tumor in humans," and I believe it to be true. It's on the internet, so it must be true, right? But besides that, I have personal experience with this dreadful disease. My first wife, Linda, was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiforme in the spring of 1989, and after one year and one month filled with surgeries, radiation therapy, chemotherapy, torturous agony and unbearable heartache, along with the heartfelt prayers of literally hundreds of friends and family, she died on June 20, 1990.
And when I mention agony, I am, of course, talking about Linda's experience, but I am also talking about the agony that Linda's family experienced, her devoted mother and siblings, as well as the agony of my own parents and other family members on my side of the aisle, including our children, Gabe and Libby, ages 10 and 8, respectively, on the day Linda died. And, of course, I am also talking about my own personal agony and heartache as I watched my full-of-life, fun-loving, devoted bride of 15 years deteriorate over that last year of her life and eventually simply fade away.
So why am I bringing this up today in the context of this section of Paul's letter to the Ephesians? Well, partly because that was such a life-altering experience for me that I view almost everything through the lens of that event. But particularly because it understandably caused me to question God's faithfulness, whether or not I could actually trust him. I would say that I never actually lost faith in God nor even truly doubted his faithfulness, but the experience made me think through (to chew thoroughly, in keeping with this blog's theme) the ways in which he deals with his people and how he responds to prayer and what it means when it says that we were chosen, predestined according to his plan, and that he "works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will..." In short, it made me think through why or why not I ought to trust God.
And by the way, I realize that there is a lot...A LOT of meat in this passage of scripture that I ought to be tackling, but this is what struck me first when I read through it again this morning. I might camp out on this particular passage and revisit it in at least one more posting, but for now I'm going to follow this path and see where it takes me, which is how I always write these things, in case you hadn't noticed.
When you're going through an experience like mine (and again, it feels and sounds quite selfish for me to talk about it as if I was the only one affected, but for this post I'll stick with that just to keep it simpler, besides which, I'm talking about my own reactions and lessons learned, not anyone else's), it seems inconceivable that the God who created everything there is and claims to love me more than I can imagine would let something like that happen to someone I love so dearly. At the time, it seemed inconceivable that God chose to ignore the multitude of prayers given on Linda's behalf, asking, begging for healing, for a miracle.
See, the phrase that strikes me is this one: "having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will..." It fits with what I have always believed about God, that he is personally involved with us and has always had an ultimate plan for our lives, a plan that is for our good and one in which we ultimately prevail because of what he has done for us, a plan that is somehow connected and responsive to our free will in a kind of cosmic dance where we make our own choices but he continues to "work out everything in conformity with the purposes of his will" anyway.
But what about things like this? What about when we have as much faith as we can possibly muster and seemingly do everything right, but it still turns out all wrong? I guess it boils down to this age-old question: Why do bad things happen to good people? And why does God heal some folks and let others die? Or most succinctly and to the point, why did God let Linda die?
And those are some mighty big question to tackle in one little blog post by this humble turkey, but I do have a few things to say about it, things that God has taught me through his word, including this passage, and the experiences he's led me through in my life, the suffering and death of Linda in particular.
For me, it boils down to three points.
1. God is able to do whatever he wants to do. He can heal.
So if Linda was not healed, it isn't because God was unable to do anything about it. Read through the Bible and you'll find evidence of God's absolute power, not the least of which is stated on the opening pages, that he is the creator of the universe. He created all that there is out of nothing, and as the creator, he has ultimate power over his creation.
And not only that, I personally know people who have been the recipients of seemingly miraculous healing - they were sick and/or dying, people prayed for them, and God healed them. So it isn't like I don't believe that God is capable of it - there's plenty of evidence that he is.
But if that wasn't enough, he proved it to me personally on a much smaller scale.
Several months (or maybe as much as a year) before Linda got sick, I had been experiencing a nagging pain in my right elbow. I didn't know if it was bursitis or arthritis or what, but I figured it probably had something to do with overuse at work. It wasn't so bad that I ever went to the doctor for it, but it did bother me quite often. Well, one Sunday in church (we were attending Harvest Christian Fellowship in Riverside, CA, at the time, Greg Laurie's church) during a communion service, the pastor read this verse from Isaiah:
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
The pastor suggested that if we were suffering from any affliction, the communion time was a good chance to pray for healing, since the scripture states that "by his wounds we are healed." Now, I happen to be of the opinion that this is a misrepresentation of what that particular verse is saying, but nevertheless, I did take the opportunity to pray that God would heal my elbow, since it had been bothering me a lot that morning, and then I immediately forgot all about it.
It was weeks later that I realized that my elbow wasn't bothering me any longer. That it hadn't bothered me since I prayed that prayer. So yes, I believe that God healed me. Furthermore, I believe that God healed me for the very purpose of preparing me for the experience that I was about to go through, so that I would know and believe without a doubt that God can and does heal.
And I do believe it. God can heal. I can trust that it's true. God heals when it's in conformity to his will.
2. God does what he does for a reason and he knows what he's doing.
As the verse says, God has a plan. And as I've said before, it isn't like he exists along our timeline and simply knows what's coming, I believe he exists transcendent from time and space in an eternal "now" where he exists in our past, present, and future simultaneously, eternally. For God, the concepts of before and after, then and now, sooner and later, have no real meaning except for how they relate to us, his time-line-constrained creation. So when I say he has a plan, what I mean is that when he created, he created eternity, which from our perspective looks like a long, long line, from the beginning, eternity past, to the end, eternity yet to come; but from his perspective, it all looks like one big now, his eternal present.
It's a tough hunk of meat to chew, but I think it's true. Oh, it's just an opinion, but it makes sense to me. So the thing is that God not only knows what the future holds, he exists there right now, so his "plans" are perfect. We can trust that he knows what he's doing because he's already done it! From his perspective at least.
I have a friend who says that, if it's true that God is in control and "works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will," then it must be true that everything that has ever happened in the past must have been God's will. He feels comfortable saying that Nazi Germany and the attempted genocide there and things like that must have been God's will, since they actually happened and since God is in control. Well, I understand what he's saying, but I humbly disagree. The verse doesn't say that God makes everything "happen" according to his will. It says that he "works out" everything in conformity to his will. We have free will, too, just as God does. We are free to screw up and we do it all the time, and when I screw up, I cannot say that it's God's will. BUT, because he is truly in control, existing as he does in an eternal now, he is able to take my screwed up life and make it work out according to his will anyway.
He knows what he's doing. And he has an eternal plan that, for him, has already come to pass. For us it's still in the working out phase, but for him, it's a done deal. We can trust that he has a plan, he will make it work out in conformity to his will. He knows what he's doing.
3. God loves me.
This is, of course, the most important point. Because if the other two points are true, but I don't understand that he loves me, I am left with a rather unsatisfactory answer to my basic question as to why Linda suffered and died. Since God is capable of healing and has demonstrated that fact over and over again, and even to this humble turkey, and if it's true that he is working out everything according to his plan, then the answer I'm left with is that God didn't want to heal Linda - it wasn't part of his plan. And I'm still left with an aching heart wondering why not.
But the truth of the matter is that God loves me more than I could possibly understand.
"...and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge..." Ephesians 3:17-18 (Yes, I know I'm jumping ahead, but it works here - I'll come back to it later.)
And what's more, God has proven his love for me over and over again, and ultimately so on the cross of Christ.
"Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." Romans 5:7-8
So then if God loves me that much, so much that Jesus would die for me even when I am acting as if I was God's enemy or worse, simply ignoring him altogether, he must have my best interests at heart, much like a loving father acts according to his children's best interests, even when (and maybe especially when) they are being rebellious. His children can trust in their loving father's plans, even when they don't understand what's happening, even when it hurts, because they know that he loves them. Think of the child wracked by cancer whose father ushers her into a life-saving surgery that that nonetheless leaves her in agony from the procedure as she recuperates. She still trusts her father even though she cannot comprehend the reason he allowed her to suffer. Why? Because he is her father and she loves him, and because he has demonstrated over and over again that he can be trusted and that he has her best interests at heart. In the same way, God has proven that he loves me and I can rest assured that no matter what happens, he has my best interests at heart, even when it doesn't feel that way, when I can't understand why there's pain and agony and heartache.
I can trust in God's plan even when I don't understand it because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and wants what's best for me.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11
If those points are all true, and I believe they are, that God is capable and has a plan, and loves me with an indescribable love, that his plans are for my good, then no matter what happens, no matter how it feels, I know I can trust him. I can trust in his love for me. If things don't work out the way I think they ought to work out, I can still trust that God is in control, that he knows what he's doing, and that he loves me and wants whatever is best for me. If my wife is diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor and hundreds of friends send fervent prayers for healing heavenward, but she still suffers agony and dies, leaving her two little kids motherless, then I know that I can still trust that God loves me and cares about me, even though it makes no sense to me at all. He will love me through the pain and into his glory.
So do I believe that it was God's will that Linda suffered? Of course not! But do I believe that he will "work out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will?" Absolutely. I have no doubt whatsoever, because I trust my loving Father, whatever may come.
It seems like I got a little sidetracked from the point Paul is getting to here in Ephesians, but like I said, I write what strikes me as I'm going through this. This too, I think, comes from God, since this whole thing, this blog thing, is about my relationship and focused time spent with my Father. I'll get back on track, but don't be surprised if I meander on a regular basis. That's why I'm here listening.
Thank you, loving Father, for loving me with an inconceivable love - far beyond my understanding. Thank you for being in control and expressing your love in so many countless ways, the most dramatic of which being the redemption of my very life by the sacrifice on the cross of Christ. I am yours, Father, in a relationship of pure love. Help me surrender myself completely to you. To act on the trust I have in you. To live my life according to the faith I have in you. To be the person you redeemed me to be. I love you, Father.
